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The Observation Post

ANOTHER GLOBAL DISASTER AWAITS

Posted March 18, 2008

There's been a lot of controversy over the subject of global warming. Many dire predictions have been made ranging from drowning polar bears to cataclysmic superstorms, but one potential problem has been widely ignored by the scientific community, the media, and the public in general -- zombies.

Forget about rising oceans and possible famine. According to a recent study done by Drs. Harrister and Carpenter-Romero we could be looking at "a 32.782412% increase in the zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate."

The study is based on the fact that zombies have problems functioning in cold weather. Since a reanimated corpse can't self regulate internal body temperature like a normal human being, motor functions are especially susceptible to sluggishness or stalling in cold temperatures much like a cold blooded reptile.

Shorter, milder winters allow for more zombie activity, and southern regions of the country like Florida offers opportunities of a year round banquet for the noggin munchers, but I wouldn't go grabbing a parka and relocating to Maine just yet. The study is still in the process of being published, and the two scientists have been rather reluctant in expanding on it during their brief press conference last January. It's possible that the dire prediction could be based on an incomplete or faulty body of data like so many other global warming studies.

One thing to keep in mind when the study does come out is if the percentage of increase is based on the present known numbers of zombies, or if an exponential increase for "reproduction" has been factored in. It does make a difference: zombies make more zombies by biting living humans.

Not every individual that is attacked by a zombie is consumed. In the chaos of a feeding frenzy, some people have been know to escape only to later die from the infection and join the population of the living-challenged (certain pro-zombie organizations object to the term "undead" or "living dead").

It's possible that the estimated increase could be a gross underestimate, and we could be facing a future epidemic of apocalyptical proportions. Think of it in terms of a global viral pandemic, but one that is complicated by a measure of intelligence.

While in most cases zombies appear to be somewhat sluggish and uncoordinated in their motor skills that doesn't mean that they are stupid. Little is known of zombie intelligenct and instincts, but they have shown that they are capable of using tools and solving problems, and they could retain a measure of the skills they had when they were human.

Such could present obstacles for defensive and offensive measures, and any contingency plans need to take into consideration those factors.

It's possible that the zombie brain may retain enough intelligence and a sense of self preservation that they could impose some self regulation over their numbers in the population. Keep in mind from what grains of truth that exist in myths and legends, and in what little actual evidence we have, zombies have been around since the dawn of Man, and such wouldn't be possible if populations had increased to where they outstripped their food supply.

Another problem presents itself; the possibility of undocumented zombies. As with illegal aliens in this country there could exist large numbers of zombies hidden in the shadows of society that are unaccounted for.

Moreover, there are zombie activists who contend that, while cannibalistic in nature, zombies are still human beings and have rights, but such legal issues have yet to be ironed out in the courts. The political and social status of zombies is an important factor in how society deals with the problem of attacks.

One of the most important issues that should be resolved is the question of whether or not killing a zombie constitutes murder or is it self defense? Should surviving family members of killed zombies be eligible for some monetary compensation, and if so, by whom? The individual who destroyed the zombie, or society in general?

Other harsh realities is society's apparent indifference to the zombie problem and our blatant lack of readiness in dealing with the attacks. The CDC denies the possibility of any zombie epidemics, and the NSA, FEMA, and Homeland Security have no contingency plans.

Nor has our own military engaged in any special training exercises or formulated any special units to address the problem. Additionally many law enforcement agencies across the nation are ill equipped to handle zombie mobs.

Any type of mass zombie attack presents a number of unusual problems; zombie riot control and containment for example. Body disposal is another; we could find ourselves in short supply of morticians and coffins.

Confusion and concern is rampant among many communities. Many citizens lack the essential knowledge and skills with which to identify a zombie and defend against attack.

Worries exist about lumber shortages, firearm restrictions, emergency food, water supplies, and price gouging A few doomsayers are advising citizens to get ready now instead of waiting at the last minute especially when it comes to firearms.

With gun restrictions and waiting periods a citizen can find him or herself unarmed for an attack if they wait too long, and procrastinators making that desperate run to the hardware store might find empty shelves instead of machetes and axes. And in light of increasing oil prices, pyrotechnical options may not be economically feasible (zombies are known to hate fire).

Additionally nothing has been put forth concerning some of the economic impacts that increases of zombie attacks will have on society. Urban areas will be the hardest hit with areas such as shopping malls being prime targets. Very few shoppers will be eager to face hordes of hungry noggin munchers regardless what bargains and sales will be available.

No doubt disaster awaits us in many forms on the horizon, but we do have time. With proper education and preparation, we can weather the zombie storm.

Comments

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Vicki, Your are getting 'Wackier' every day.
Can guns kill Zombie's? This is something you really should know about.

#1 Posted by bossman1 on March 19, 2008 at 7:18 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Your = You

#2 Posted by bossman1 on March 19, 2008 at 7:20 a.m. (Suggest removal)

The story was meant as satire. Maybe I'll do some more stories on zombies.

#3 Posted by Illiar on March 19, 2008 at 9:06 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Yes Bossman guns can kill zombies provided they are used properly. The entire brain must be destroyed. Therefore it is unlikely that a little .225 would do much good unless it was clip or magazine fed and allowed for multiple shots. Steel jaceketed would be best to penetrate the skull.

Best bet is to stick with the old Army Colt .45 or the newer Desert Eagle. However one may also go with shotguns. I reccommend either pump action or semi-automatic. If you know where to look you can even find barrel (clip) fed shotguns. I recommend nothing smaller than a 12 gauge and one should use magnums with either single slugs or pumpkin balls.

Be aware of the spray though. Even getting that on an open wound could infect another person.

Good back up weapons are machete like. Sharp and requiring little room to swing. If you have the upper body strength mauls and sledge hammers are also adequate means of protection.

It tells us in the Bible that the dead WILL rise from the graves.

I'm prepared. Are you?

#4 Posted by Neal on March 19, 2008 at 1:52 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Neal, Yes I am prepared, thanks for asking.
My little league baseball bat will do just fine.
Vicki, Even a dummy like me can see you tried to make a funny. You did however work some 'guns' into it didn't you?
Please do a piece on the 'surge', what it is, what it was designed to do, and is it really working?
Is giving U.S taxpayer money to insurgents and terrorists to stop killing us a good strategy? Has the Iraqi government done thier part since the surge started over a year ago?
?? IS NEAL YOUR HUSBAND??

#5 Posted by bossman1 on March 20, 2008 at 7:17 a.m. (Suggest removal)

It wasn't a jab. Some people don't understand tongue-in-cheek humor to which I'm sometimes prone to do.

I had a Marine SNCO once ask me if I was some kind of rocket scientist to which I solemnly replied that, no, I was actually a Marine nuclear engineer. The Marine Corps was going nuclear; replacing some of the powerplants on tanks and vehicles with a newly designed fisson reactor that was about the size of a breadbox.

He believed me.

Yes, this time I did deliberately worked guns into the story.

As to the last question; yes, Neal is my husband, and under penalty of death he's required to read my column. Just kidding; he reads them because he likes to.

He's also a US Marine, and he often likes to joke about being married to a trained killer.

#6 Posted by Illiar on March 20, 2008 at 9:01 a.m. (Suggest removal)

This isn't a jab?????
Thanks for answering my questions.

#7 Posted by bossman1 on March 20, 2008 at 1:12 p.m. (Suggest removal)

thank you for this wonderfully funny post! I laughed from the fist paragraph on.

#8 Posted by BradStaggs on March 20, 2008 at 1:46 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Vicki,

Thanks for quoting from our original zombie article at wmbriggs.com (search for zombie). But I notice you forget to credit for me and John Briggs for writing the first half.

Must have slipped your mind.

The zombie article, which we wrote on 31 January, was very popular and was linked all over the web.

We also wrote some follow up zombie articles. Come on by and take a look.

William Briggs

#9 Posted by mattstat on May 14, 2008 at 7:59 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Apologies, Mr. Briggs. I do give credit where it is due. I didn't read your article at your website. I had seen it elsewhere, without title or author listed. Moreover, I ran across it while researching some new information on global warming.

I wasn't sure how to reference the story so I quoted a sentence and made mention of the fictious researchers. I guess I should have pursued the subject more. I probably would have found your website then if I had.

Good article. I'll visit your website for more. Keep writing.

By the way, how did you come up with the number on the attacks?

#10 Posted by Illiar on May 18, 2008 at 10:23 p.m. (Suggest removal)



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