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My Life So Far: Bob Hezzelwood, 61, beach bum
'I've always been a sun freak'
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Bob Hezzelwood is a 61-year-old retiree from Minnesota. In 1992, he moved from the Boston area to Bonita Springs, supporting himself by opening a court reporting business. He sold the business in 1999 and now spends upward of 12 hours a day lying in the sun and floating lazily in the Gulf of Mexico. He estimates he’s spent nearly 5,000 days on Bonita Beach. Rain and cold are about the only two things that keep him away.
MICHEL FORTIER / Daily News file photo
Bob Hezzelwood of Bonita Springs lights his cigarette with a magnifying glass while relaxing on Bonita Beach.
Known as “Beach Bob,” Hezzelwood wears a gray and blue Speedo-style swimsuit and looks like a weathered Peter Fonda. He improvised his beach chair from PVC pipe and rope. Hezzelwood mounted wheels to the chair so he can haul his pink cooler and a faded red bag to hold the pair of cut-off black jean shorts and a pink, flowery Hawaiian-style shirt from his car to the beach and back. Hezzelwood’s cost of living is nominal. No rent, few bills and no desire for a high-dollar lifestyle allow him to spend nearly every day at the beach. He does odd jobs on occasion but says his time away from the beach is costly: $100 an hour.
Hezzelwood lives in a trailer off Livingston Road and operates a Web site, www.beachbob.com, that caters to local restaurants. It’s a hobby. He shops at garage sales. He eats, sleeps, reads and showers at the beach. He lights Bridgeport cigarettes with a magnifying glass. He says it saves him money that would otherwise be spent on cigarette lighters. Plus, it’s hard to light a cigarette with a lighter or match if it’s windy.
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MICHEL FORTIER / Daily News file photo
“Beach Bob” Hezzelwood of Bonita Springs reads during his day at Bonita Beach. “Retirement is good,” Hezzelwood said.
- Bob Hezzelwood, as told to Chad Gillis
I try to structure my life so anything I have to do I can do after beach time. Or I’ll leave early — 2 o’clock, 3 o’clock — if I have to get something done. This morning I got here at 8:02, and I was the first car on the lot.
There’s five S’s: sun, surf, socialism — which I guess I should call socializing — serendipity and, finally, sand. Actually, I don’t like sand that much.
I miss maybe 10 sunny days a year. I’d say (I’m on the beach) close to 300-days plus a year. I actually missed a sunny day once to go skydiving in Clewiston. But that’s about it.
It’s like on computers with a default setting. This is my default. I haven’t turned my air conditioning on, other than to test it, for three years. Wilma took the roof off my house. I live in a double-wide ... well, two old trailers that were smashed together.
I’m here from 8 o’clock, 9 o’clock on and I get home at 5 or 6 and it’s cool.
I don’t play golf, and I don’t have the energy for tennis.
I’ve made up a religion for the beach. I call it solar recumbentarianism. If you can lie out here and get sun and lie in the water, then cool, you can join my religion. For a while I thought maybe I’d be a serendipitarian. But now I just like solar recumbentarian. It kind of flows a little bit. When you get those religious fanatics that want to tell you about their religion, I tell them, “Don’t waste your time.” I either tell them I’m solar recumbentarian and they go “what,” or I tell them — and this is more accurate — I’m an epistemologist, which sounds religious enough.
Epistemology is a branch of philosophy. It’s the study of the limits of human knowledge. It’s the study of “how I know what I think I know.”
The existence or nonexistence of God is, by definition, outside of our limits of knowledge. Therefore, anybody who forms an opinion one way or another is jumping to a conclusion based on inadequate facts. They want to call it faith, that’s fine. I call it opinion, and everybody’s open to have their own. It’s kind of like being an agnostic with (expletive). ... I don’t know if God exists, and neither do you. So don’t force your beliefs on me.
I started off as a math major and then changed to theater arts. I think I minored in English at the University of Minnesota. I have a bachelor of arts.
I’m just a guy who comes to the beach and sits here.
I set up a rule for the beach. Not a rule, but a guideline kind of thing: You need to meet someone 23 times before you feel the slightest bit of guilt about forgetting their name.
I’ve always been a sun freak. In Minnesota, during the one day of sun we’d have in the summer, I’d go out and grab it.
I’m not worried about skin cancer. But people tell me about it. I think I’m kind of like a Rorschach test on the beach. One lady said to me, “Don’t you know that will kill you?” So at that point I said, “Really? Thank you so much.” And I put it out. Maybe 10 percent of people tell me about it. But the ones who do are heavy on it. Then they want to tell you their story.
I didn’t start coming to the beach until after Easter of’ 93. I was wearing a regular suit and I started rolling it down a little bit. I thought it was scary, but I went and bought a Speedo style. ... I found that I could just slide the sides down and avoid tan lines, so maybe it’s a little bit of vanity. People do mistake me for being European because of the suit.
You come to the beach and develop relationships. I don’t know virtually anybody’s last name. It’s just a first-name kind of thing. And it’s light. People are here to relax and enjoy and sometimes talk about their problems. When you meet someone for the first time, you don’t immediately go into heavy, heavy stuff.
I used to bring a couple of sub sandwiches, and now I just buy deli meat on sale. Tuesday I bought 50 bucks worth of sliced, smoked turkey. I put six slices to a bag, throw it into the freezer and pull it out and six slices of turkey is lunch for three days. Then I’ve got crackers, grapes, peanuts, Sprite, chocolate.
I come here prepared to be here for the day. Tuesday I was here until sunset. You’ve got the regulars here, and they’re sort of scattered. So I meander up and down and you might meet some nice people. I try to be just as close to the boardwalk as I can be because I’m a lazy SOB.
My idea of living dangerously is to be on the high tide mark.
I fall asleep floating on my noodles all the time. If I know that’s coming on, I don’t take a book with me, unless it’s a 10-cent garage sale. Then, who cares if it falls in the water? I don’t take library books or hardbacks out, though.
I fell asleep years ago and wound up a half-mile offshore and the first thing I did was fall off my raft. I climbed back on and swam back in. Then I built an anchor. I started off with not the gallon milk jug, but the smaller one. I filled it with sand and rocks and tied it off.
I used to go out and catch things that people would let go and I’d come in and say, “That’s once. I’m only catching one thing for you.” ... I see a Frisbee floating out right now, but I’m not going to go get it. Then there’s flying umbrellas.
At home I wear an old ratty pair of shorts — the seam is gone and I have to tie it together. But I don’t invite people to my house, so it’s fine. I lie on the couch, watch Netflix, read a book, play on video computer if the movie’s not too interesting.
I had a Lee County beach sticker for years. Then Bonita set up that deal where they pay the county and if you’re a resident of Bonita, you get one for five bucks a year and I got that. When they started selling them for the Collier lot, I bought here and that frees up one more space on the Bonita side. People get into fights over parking spaces during the winter. So I figured one more parking space, fewer fights. And it’s just another 10 feet away for me.
I sit here aqua-literating, feeding my face a little and then, depending on the weather, go home. I should have a Netflix coming in. “Blue Ice,” I think is the name of it. Then e-mail my friend at 11:30. Steve Colbert and Jon Stewart are on vacation for two weeks, so I don’t have to skip Jay Leno for that. Then I’ll go to bed, hopefully wake up and come back to the beach.
I’m retired, so I try to reduce my obligations as much as possible so I have no one I need to answer to. For a while my two big problems were finding a good haircutter, still haven’t solved that one, and a reliable, cheap lawn service. That was it.
I’m not a brand name guy or any of that. To me, Hershey’s chocolate is just as good as Godiva. So I have no Joneses that I’m trying to keep up with. ... I have no Joneses up with whom I’m trying to keep.
- - -
Beach Bob speak
Solar recumbentarianism: A philosophy (of his creation) that reflects Bob’s life and ideas
Serendipitarian: An early form of solar recumbentarianism that focuses on relaxation
Aqua-literating: Reading a book while floating in the Gulf of Mexico on pool noodles
Hacku: A poem based on the Japanese haiku that’s written by someone with no business writing poems
A lazy SOB: A term Hezzelwood uses to describe his own lack of work ethic
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Reach Chad Gillis at cegillis@naplesnews.com.
Comments
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Can someone please tell me what the reason is for this article???
#1 Posted by Avasnana on September 6, 2007 at 1:24 a.m. (Suggest removal)
I think the reason is that there are still people that are retired, but work hard at being Beach Bums. He is living his dream, it makes him happy, and he isn't hurting anyone. When I grow up, I want to be a Beach Bum, too.
#2 Posted by FlDreaming on September 6, 2007 at 2:16 a.m. (Suggest removal)
"In every contest there must be a loser. La hoo ze her!!!" - Ace Ventura
#3 Posted by bicoastal on September 6, 2007 at 5:31 a.m. (Suggest removal)
I'm impressed, he doesn't look a day over 85. Leathery skin, liver spots, skin cancer and all.
But still one of the nicest kookoo birds you would ever want to meet....
#4 Posted by Jadip811 on September 6, 2007 at 8:12 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Good for him. He's retired, not causing anyone harm, and happy.
#5 Posted by essessemm on September 6, 2007 at 8:26 a.m. (Suggest removal)
I think this guy is happy and I think he was smiling. Someone better ban this soon... Do they know he's doing this without a permit?
All the tattle tale hall monitor types can't stand for this!
#6 Posted by TooMuchGovernment on September 6, 2007 at 8:33 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Hey man, kickin' it on the sand. Glad he can do it, but he's the poster child for skin cancer.
#7 Posted by missdakine on September 6, 2007 at 8:43 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Southwest Florida's version of The Big Lebowski where the beach has replaced the bowling alley. Just curious though, how does Bob light his cigarettes when it is cloudy?
#8 Posted by ZhuZhu on September 6, 2007 at 8:58 a.m. (Suggest removal)
This is a GREAT example of Free-Choice. Additionally, he is not hurting anyone. He is allowing all of the opinionated to have their opinions .......... and for him to have his. He's probably a lot more interesting than most people his age in Naples area. At least he READS !!! He's not watching the news or sit-coms on TV all day. When I grow up I want to be able to do just what he's doing. And how about the "up with whom I'm trying to keep" ............ when was the last time any of us went to that limit to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition? (a la Churchill !!). This guy's educated and WAYYYYY beyond most of his critics.
#9 Posted by Chartwell on September 6, 2007 at 9:06 a.m. (Suggest removal)
I think he's awesome.
#10 Posted by kpar2 on September 6, 2007 at 9:28 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Bob rocks.
#11 Posted by GladILeft on September 6, 2007 at 9:32 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Yea, the guy's hairy check really calls attention to the article on NDN homepage.
#12 Posted by nickhit on September 6, 2007 at 9:33 a.m. (Suggest removal)
He is awesome! Doesn't hurt anyone, does his own thing, totally laid-back. We could use more people like him. Hell, I wish I was more like him.
Loved the last sentence.
#13 Posted by beachykeen on September 6, 2007 at 9:48 a.m. (Suggest removal)
I've never seen him turning a page and now I know why. He's sleeping!!
His is not the life for me, but to each his own. He's doing what he loves, and getting his 15 minutes of fame at the same time.
#14 Posted by BlackCat on September 6, 2007 at 10:27 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Gay.
#15 Posted by Opinionated on September 6, 2007 at 10:45 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Geeze Bob - you need a waxing!!!
If the skin cancer doesn't get you, perhaps the lung cancer will. Talk about NOT taking care of yourself.
#16 Posted by PHATFROG on September 6, 2007 at 11:04 a.m. (Suggest removal)
I love it! A 21st century antihero and renaissance man all in one. This enlightened solar recumbentarian is probably was the one who taught Alfred E. Newman his now famous creed. "What, me worry?"
#17 Posted by strigiformes on September 6, 2007 at 1:07 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I WOULD DO IT TOO, IF I COULD. I KNEW ALL THE ALARMISTS WOULD BE OUT WITH THE CANCER WARNINGS. KEEP CANCER ALIVE.....EVERYTHING IS CANCER, CANCER, CANCER, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!!!!!!!!! THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN CANCER!!!!
#18 Posted by FLBUTTERFLY1026 on September 6, 2007 at 2:36 p.m. (Suggest removal)
FLBUTTERFLY1026,
Keep that positive attitude while they slice away a chunk of skin from your back because its cancerous "sun freak"
#19 Posted by Flipthishouse on September 6, 2007 at 3:35 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I wish he would have shared his sunscreen secrets, because he must be using a good one to sit out there all day - without even a hat or umbrella - and not burn to a crisp.
#20 Posted by swflstickers on September 6, 2007 at 5:17 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Bob has been on the beach at Bonita for years - he's sort of an institution here. When my family come down to visit me iin the winter, they always stop to say Hi to him - he's polite, friendly, and intelligent. Would that we all could live a carefree life, enjoying freedom and not harming others. I'm e-mailing this article to my kids - they'll be interested, I know.
#21 Posted by marylonn27 on September 6, 2007 at 9:38 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I love it! I too wish to join his religion (the only difference is I will be, well, religiously applying 50 SPF sunscreen due to fair skin and a familian predisposition to skin cancer). Good for him, at least he's happy and not bi*ching at everybody and everything. Maybe if I had met him, I wouldn't have left SW Florida.
#22 Posted by flanative on September 6, 2007 at 10:49 p.m. (Suggest removal)
A few quick responses from Beach Bob:
First, I was a little embarrassed when I saw the article. My impression was that it was going to be more about the "beach culture," not focused quite so much on me. (My ego was pleased, o'course.)
Second, for Opinionated, sorry to disappoint, but not gay ... not that there's anything wrong with that.
3. Thanks to those of you who made positive comments here. (See above ego comment).
D. As soon as I read the article, I guessed there would be some chat re: skin and lung cancer. Thanks to those of you who did that for living up to expectations.
Fifth, I trust most (many, at least) readers realized much of what I said was TIC (tongue in cheek) ... specifically excluding the stuff on epistemology.
F. As for some minor factual corrections, my court reporting biz was in Boston and continued down here. Also, I don't do "odd jobs"; that was a TIC comment as to how I value my time, not that I expect(ed) anyone to actually take me up on that. And the restaurant sites were closed down at the end of January of '07. "Hackoo" is the correct spelling of that word. And the "Put it out" scene was related to a cigarette, not skin cancer; that probably was confusing. Typo, I'd guess.
7. For swflstickers, I use SPF 15 on nose and forehead, 30 on the lips (several times a day), and after 9:30 a.m., an SPF 2000 hat.
H. The awkward but grammatically correct phrasing of the last sentence is definitely TIC, as is this'n: "A preposition is a lousy thing to use for to end a sentence with." Come to think of it, so is a proposition ... at least since the end of the '70s.
Finally, anyone who would like to learn PR (Purposeful Relaxation) and some stress reduction, and/or have their beta-endorphin levels raised with some good bad jokes and laughter, feel free to come pay a visit some sunny day (near the boardwalk from the Collier County parking lot off Bonita Beach Road). If you can "graduate," someone may tell you that you're so laid back you make a plate of spaghetti look tense (cooked, o'course). You can also participate in our latest beach "project," which is developing a list of non-threatening hurricane names (e.g., Fluffy, Daffy, Twinky, Hope, etc.)
Contentedly (for the most part),
Beach Bob
PS. A quick puzzle: When is 180 greater than 200?
PPS. Two good books: "Freakonomics" and "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes."
#23 Posted by beachbob on September 8, 2007 at 10:27 p.m. (Suggest removal)
A few quick (or maybe not so quick) responses from Beach Bob:
First, I was a little embarrassed when I saw the article. My impression was that it was going to be more about the "beach culture," not focused quite so much on me. (My ego was pleased, o'course.)
Second, for Opinionated, sorry to disappoint you, but not gay ... not that there's anything wrong with that.
3. Thanks to those of you who made positive comments here. (See above ego comment).
D. As soon as I read the article, I guessed there would be some chat re: skin and lung cancer. Thanks to those of you who did that for living up to expectations.
Fifth, I trust most (many, at least) readers realized much of what I said was TIC (tongue in cheek) ... specifically excluding the stuff on epistemology.
F. As for some minor factual corrections, my court reporting biz was in Boston and continued down here. Also, I don't do "odd jobs"; that was a TIC comment as to how I value my time, not that I expect(ed) anyone to actually take me up on that. And the restaurant sites were closed down at the end of January of '07. "Hackoo" is the correct spelling of that word. And the "Put it out" scene was related to a cigarette, not skin cancer; that probably was confusing. Typo, I'd guess.
7. For swflstickers, I use SPF 15 on nose and forehead, 30 on the lips (several times a day), and after 9:30 a.m., an SPF 2000 hat.
H. The awkward but grammatically correct phrasing of the last sentence is definitely TIC, as is this'n: "A preposition is a lousy thing to use for to end a sentence with." Come to think of it, so is a proposition ... at least since the end of the '70s.
Finally, anyone who would like to learn PR (Purposeful Relaxation) and some stress reduction, and/or have their beta-endorphin levels raised with some good bad jokes and laughter, feel free to come pay a visit some sunny day (near the boardwalk from the Collier County parking lot off Bonita Beach Road). If you can "graduate," someone may tell you that you're so laid back you make a plate of spaghetti look tense (cooked, o'course). You can also participate in our latest beach "project," which is developing a list of non-threatening hurricane names (e.g., Fluffy, Daffy, Twinky, Hope, etc.)
Contentedly (for the most part),
Beach Bob
PS. A quick puzzle: When is 180 greater than 200?
PPS. Two good books: "Freakonomics" and "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes."
#24 Posted by beachbob on September 8, 2007 at 10:35 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Thanks for the response, Bob. I'd recommend that you go a little higher in the SPF dept.
As for #1, he's not lying - I was on the beach and overheard him telling someone that the article would be about the beach and not necessarily him.
If you want a nice BSP eurosticker for your car, just let me know and I'll stick it in the mail.
#25 Posted by swflstickers on September 10, 2007 at 11:32 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Admirable that he lives the life that he wishes for himself, but being a survivor of skin cancer myself, I think it will catch up to him one day. To each his own. Congrats on his 15 minutes of fame and being retired.
#26 Posted by Jadip811 on September 10, 2007 at 4:04 p.m. (Suggest removal)
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