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Don Farmer: Compliments I’d rather not receive
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On this Independence Day, be careful of your compliments. Never say, for example, to a woman with big, gray hair, “You look just like George Washington.”
That’s a “compliment” I’d just as soon never get. A woman once said to me, “That shirt goes great with your hair.” Bummer. My shirt was gray.
Another is when somebody remarks, “You sure don’t look your age.”
Compliments are the oil that lubricates those first few minutes of seeing someone you have not seen for a while.
The lady who liked my gray shirt clearly was groping for some chat to fill an awkward space. We all do it, sometimes not well.
Have you ever said to a woman and a child you’ve just met, “That little tike sure does have your eyes,” only to find the child was adopted?
Wrong gender compliments also can be treacherous. Ever see a baby, dressed in some color that didn’t send any cultural signals as to the little one’s gender?
“What a cute baby. How old is he?”
Mom gets flinty when that happens. “She’s a girl,” she huffs, fluffing the kid’s hair.
I long to say, “If you didn’t dress the kid in orange and black, we might have some clue. She looks like a Halloween party favor.”
I once said to a business phone caller, “Ma’am, you have a very good radio voice.” The person let me know, with some pique, that “she” was a “he” named Roger.
Andy, my tennis-playing friend, says he loves it (translation: hates it) when an opponent who wins a point, despite Andy being sprawled across the foul line, his Keds coming off from his Herculean effort, says, “Hey. Nice try, Andy.”
“Try this,” Andy was tempted to show and tell.
When my late father was in his late 80s, he was amused when someone would say to him, meaning it, “You sure don’t look like you’re in your 80s.” Dad wondered what someone in his 80s was supposed to look like.
Other dubious compliments in that general category include, “You are getting around so well now,” and, “You carry your weight pretty well.”
Then there’s, “Oh, you cut your hair.” It’s not a question but a statement, which seems to mean, “Oh my gosh, what happened to your hair?”
Sarcasm can carry compliments to new heights of hurt, such as, “Look at your tie. What else do you wear it with?”
I especially dislike the sort of backhanded compliment, the damning with faint praise that makes the compliment-giver seem to want to be kind when, in fact, he has chosen his snotty praise with precision.
Covering the Yom Kippur war for ABC News, I filed a video report from Israel about a shelling attack. I thought it was pretty good. The boss back in New York wired me back, “I saw your report tonight. It almost worked.”
It’s a good thing I was about 8,000 miles away or I might have responded in a way that would have resulted in that boss having to say a short time later, “Hey, Don. Guess what? You almost work here.”
Happy Independence Day.
Contact Don Farmer at don@donfarmer.com.
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