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Jonathan Foerster: One man’s manifesto on "Sex and the City" movie

Sex and the City

Rated R for strong sexual content, graphic nudity and language

Length: 135 minutes

Released: May 30, 2008 Nationwide

Score: 3.0

Cast: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Chris Noth, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon

Director: Michael Patrick King
Producer: Eric M. Cyphers, Michael Patrick King, John P. Melfi, Sarah Jessica Parker, Darren Star
Writer: Candace Bushnell
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Distributor: Warner Bros. Pictures

Showtimes for all movies »

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Let me set the record straight: I will not be in the ticket line this weekend for “Sex and the City: The Movie.”

And I won’t be alone. While plenty of men will admit to having watched, and perhaps even enjoyed, the much-loved HBO series, chances are you won’t see many at screenings that haven’t come after extensive negotiation.

The reasons are fairly simple.

First, we can handle anything for 30 minutes. That’s doubly true if the odds are good we’ll see an attractive woman naked. But two-plus hours of “SATC” in one sitting? You’ve got to be crazy. The movie could stop every 20 minutes for a gratuitous sex scene, and I still wouldn’t be interested.

Second, seeing women so united about anything puts the coppery taste of fear in the back of our mouths. Ladies, we know you rule the universe. But we still like to pretend that we’re in charge. Plus, it isn’t that we don’t think you all deserve the equivalent of fan-boy films like “Indiana Jones” and “Iron Man.” We just don’t want to have to participate.

Third, we don’t like having things force fed

to us. You’ve made us watch old seasons on DVD, carried around that Entertainment Weekly that boasted 60-plus pages of “SATC” coverage and even started thinking about drinking cosmopolitans again. We get it already. (As an aside, is there a more annoying drink than a cosmo? By comparison, it makes the tired old mojito seem as racy as Miley Cyrus’ Vanity Fair shots.)

Finally, we all probably have a personal reason to dislike or be annoyed by the show. Mine? I dated a girl in college who wanted to be Carrie Bradshaw so badly that she bought Manolo Blahniks from eBay. When your hero is a fictional character with esteem problems, a shopping addiction and no luck in love, it’s a bad thing.

So I’m doing everything in my power to stay away. I’m encouraging my fiancee to see the movie with friends. And if that fails? I might come down with a cold or stick my head in boiling oil or ... well, you get the idea.

— Jonathan Foerster, jfoerster@naplesnews.com

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